Plantacion Bay, Cebu Philippines

Source: Webshots

 Playing In the Snow

Source: Webshots

Granma was so selfless. She loved me unconditionally even if I wasn’t able to love her with the same intensity. And that’s my biggest regret, letting my chance ran out to show and tell her how much I value and love her. She was already unconscious when I filed a leave from work just to stay with her in the hospital. I took good care of her and tried to make her feel comfortable whenever I could but she wasn’t awake anymore to see my labor of love. You see my Granma fell into deep coma immediately after her delicate operation. The doctors had to put a colostomy bag for her to release the waste and toxins in her body that’s why they needed to operate upon her. Her wails and cries of pain whenever she was asleep are forever etched on my mind. Because she would never let us know how much she’s hurting when she’s awake. I remember her pleading me to give her even just a candy or a banana to eat because she was so hungry. But she was not permitted to eat by her doctors. I followed their orders strictly, even though my heart was breaking every time she begs for even a scrap of food. Had I known that she’ll only last 15 days and not 3 months as the doctors said, I would have allowed her to eat all her favorite food. I would have let her out of the hospital and made her go to the places that she always wanted to visit. If only I knew that after just a few days of being confined in the hospital she’ll lost all her consciousness and sleep away without regaining it back, I would have told her how dear she was to me. That I treasure every little thing that she ever taught me. That I cherish and love her more than she’ll ever know. But I never had that chance again. Even if I repeated in her ears over and over again that I loved her so much, she couldn’t hear me anymore. Even if I almost didn’t go to sleep because I was afraid that when I do I might lose her but she was not able to see my puffy eyes from too much crying anymore. Even If I held her hands, ran my fingers through her silver gray thinning hair, planted kisses all over her face, she wasn’t capable of feeling already. And it was so heart wrenching for me to see her lying motionless, void of any expressions, feelings on that hospital bed. I wanted to hear her laugh, see her smile, look into her beautiful eyes but it was too late. My chance to experience all of that has already passed me by, I let it slip from my hands.

When I went home to get some clothes and about to go back to the hospital, my cousin called and said that Granma was gone. She was met by our Lord Jesus Christ. She died on an Easter Sunday, March 31, 2002. She knew that I would never be able to bear seeing her draw her last breaths.

That’s my Gram even during her dying moments, she still thought of me. That’s how great her love for me was. And still is because last Monday, March 31, my husband fixed me a plate of fried eggs with fried rice full of banana ketchup. I nearly cried. How did hubby know when I never told him about it? That I couldn’t answer. But one thing I knew when I saw what he prepared for breakfast, it was Gram telling me that she loves me and she forgives me and that I should start forgiving myself too because she knew how much I loved her and was thanking me for it. Thank you Gram for setting me free, I will always love you.

Source: Webshots

Source: Webshots

Hi, this is my first Wordless Wednesday in this blog. Hope I’ll meet a lot of friends here. Happy WW!

I can’t say that I’ve been a thoroughly happy child when I was growing up. I’m the only girl in a brood of six. I don’t have any girl playmates so most of the time I play on my own. Sometimes when I get so tired playing with my imaginary girl friends, I would play with my brothers and their chums but I always end up getting hurt. I don’t blame them boys will be boys and they like to play it rough. That’s the reason that I was quite boyish and would always hang out with my guy friends. I was never lady like. I hate wearing dresses and doing girly stuff. I would rather be a robber or a cop in our childhood game called cops and robbers than pretend to be a princess living in a beautiful palace in a land far, far away.

My father was very strict. He used iron hands in disciplining us. With every mistake that we commit, no matter how little it was there’s a corresponding punishment. In a child’s mind, I didn’t know if it was supposed to be that way but what choice did I have? He’s the father and I’m just his child.

It was hard for me to commit errors as I was growing up. They say that you learn from your mistakes but I on the other hand was too scared to make one, for I know that there would be spanking or slapping if I do. I became a perfectionist. I get so worked up over petty things that have gone wrong. I would not sleep thinking of ways to make it right. And if I can’t, I would always justify why it’s right for it to be wrong. I thought that should always be the case but life taught me otherwise.

I’ve learned that sometimes you can never make wrong things right. That sometimes you just have to let it be. That not every problem presented to you by life has a solution. Sometimes you just have to accept it as it is and not try to change its course. That you need to be strong to face it and not try to find ways on how to evade it. I’ve made a whole lot of off beam decisions in my life. Decisions that shattered and split me into a thousand shards but luckily I’m still always able to pick myself up and start anew.

I’m also just an infant in this mad thing called marriage. I’ve just tied the knot last year to a wonderful man named Ryan. He made all things beautiful for me though ever since I’ve never really looked at marriage in rose-rimmed glasses. I’ve always been realistic. And I know that it can’t be bed of roses through and through, because we need to get pricked by its thorns too in order to learn. We get pierced every now and then but we still always manage not to get punctured too deep. But I still can’t impart any sagacious advices about marriage; I’m still on my baby steps too. I fall most of the times but I still try to get up and walk again.

And now, I’m still just a zygote in this roller-coaster ride called motherhood. While my baby inside of me is already an embryo and slowly growing into a fetus, I on the other hand am still just on the initial stage. I lost our first baby to miscarriage. And this is our second shot at being parents. I’ve never really experienced real pregnancy during the first time because I lost it even before I had the chance to. My child is now turning 6 months in my womb. And little movements and butterfly kicks coming from my baby can already bring tears of joy to my eyes. I’m still learning the ropes in becoming a mom. It’s hard but I’m willing to experience and feel every inch of becoming one.

I know that I will go through a lot of changes and transformations in my lifetime. But I hope that no matter what stage I’m in, you’d be willing to join me in my journey of discovering, learning, living and loving life’s metamorphoses.